I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic