It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
