Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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