I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
