Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
