saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
