it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
