Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
