the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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