Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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