I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
