Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
