I am midnight drunk by noon
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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