Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
