I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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