No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
