Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
