I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
