I wish my penis had an off switch
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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