i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
