I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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