i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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