We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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