I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
