i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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