It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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