Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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