The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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