My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
