New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
