He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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