She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
