dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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