I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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