Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
