Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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