Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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