I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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