it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
