Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
