Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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