Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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