Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she peed on how many people?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
