I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
