I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
