When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
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I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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