Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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