this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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