Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
A bitchslap is in order.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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