ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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