need another drink. this is the easiest way
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
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She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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