The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
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You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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