the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
