So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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