if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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